My name is Hannah Riggin and on this very Sunday, I run the high risk of sounding like a broken record (just needed to prepare you, world wide web).
Contrary to my ambitious hopes and ridiculously high expectations, I AM IN PROCESS. I persuade my heart quite regularly that there will come a day when I reach a certain level of immunity to life. You know, where you have your stuff together 75% of the time and don’t have those internal tornado freak out moments but once in a blue moon. Oh, what a day that would be.
But you know, I’m starting to believe this magical place doesn’t actually exist.
I am in process and many details of it are not exactly appropriate to blog about. Believe me, it’s made blogging weekly similar to pulling teeth because I think “What’s going on in my heart and mind? A TON. A whole heck of a ton that I have shared with very few people; you know, it would probably not be wise to shout that information from the rooftops via internet. Not wise at all.” So I value you, fellow web surfers, and if anyone loves vulnerability, it’s me – but there’s a fine line between vulnerability and indecent exposure.
Here’s what I’m learning though, that won’t cause damage upon being shared; I am the QUICKEST person in the world to heap condemnation all over myself. I get frustrated with people and then I think “WHAT ARE YOU DOING? The old Hannah would have been patient and assumed the best about everyone.” Shoot. You’re right – how do I get her back? I want to do that, really I do – I want to love deeply and be a safe person and give God my everything and feel connected to him day and night. I want to confidently know who I am and quit trying to prove myself. I want Heaven’s smile to be enough and QUIT FREAKING WORRYING about how people perceive me or what kind of stupid idiot I appear to be in their eyes. I want to trust again and quit anticipating disappointment. I want to be free from burnout and unravel all of the caution tape I have wrapped around places where I’ve had bad experiences.
And ALL I see is how I don’t measure up – how far I am from being even remotely on top of my game. All I feel is tons of pressure to get better, and get better fast because no one likes a hot mess.
I’m the first born sibling in my family, and according to psychology, I default, by nature, into ‘hero’ mode.
Let me fix everything and have all of the answers and save the day because I’M SO GOOD AT IT, SEE?
But the stack of ‘To-Dos’ on how not to suck as a human being grows higher by the minute and my ability to ‘to-do’ them diminishes quickly.
Guys; JESUS IS SO GENTLE. I took a ton of junk to him on Saturday, very much expecting him to tell me several things I didn’t want to hear. “This is an idol, this is a wrong thinking pattern, here’s where you’re ungrateful, over here is where you just need to spend a hefty amount of time repenting and hope real hard that your heart will feel different afterward.”
He’s always better than we think. He’s always interested in loving and not in the business of fixing us. He sees the brokenness behind our motives and the heart behind our well meaning actions.
“I’m not worried about you. I cut you so much more slack than you anticipate. There’s so much more grace available than what you see. I know your history – I don’t expect you to be handling things any better than you are right now. It’s brave to believe in my gentleness. You will not be put to shame for believing in my gentleness. I love explaining things to you and watching you understand. The safety net is bigger than you expect – I’m not frustrated or tired of waiting. I’m really good at waiting. It’s not hard to love you.”
“Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”