I do a really great job of thinking that I know what I need..
More than that, I do a really great job of thinking it’s my responsibility to get the things that I need. Needless to say, it is a fairly regular thing for me to ask the Lord for everything that I believe will fix my problems and make me better.
I’m pretty sure that most of you have done this, too.
“If I could be free of insecurity, THEN I could really walk in my calling.”
“If I just didn’t doubt, THEN I would see miracles unfold in my life.”
“..so, God – take my insecurity and doubt so I can be better.”
I feel like this blog will echo the last two (okay, minus the indie one) quite a bit, but I’m okay with that. I’m also going to reference events and people without their knowing, so it might be a little awkward when they read this and realize they’re in it. Oh well, here it goes..
So Sunday night, one of my friends had a worship night and asked Tori and I to do worship. I FELL APART inside. I mean, every lie that I could have possibly come up with on my own and more were crushing me under the weight of believability.
The whole falling apart inside thing isn’t an uncommon thing for me to experience when I try to lead worship, but it caught me off guard that night. I wasn’t expecting discouragement to sweep me up – not like that, not in the safe environment that we were in.
But it did.
“Your songs are dumb. Every time you start singing, you dampen the Holy Spirit swirl and then Tori has to bring it back.”
“You’re on your own. You don’t have support like others do. Get used to fending for yourself.”
Just a glimpse into the avalanche.. Before I knew it, I was thinking things like “If I had friends like this or learned things like that, I wouldn’t hate my worship. I was married or had a support system like this, I wouldn’t think I was on my own anymore.”
But then it hit me, again, just like it has so many times lately. You have a hole inside your heart that only God can fill – circumstances in life don’t immune you from the lies that come to crush you. The only cure is Jesus, and at any time in our life and circumstances we can find ourselves feeling not so whole, underneath an avalanche.
That’s so relieving though… Yeah, we’ve got no external thing to blame how we feel, (not wholly, anyway), but we also can quit waiting. We don’t have to wait for certain things to happen in order to feel better.
Also.. two of my guy friends from Ohio were on their way home from a trip and stopped in Winston Tuesday night.
I wish I could put into words all that the Lord did in my heart.
Brene Brown says that there are two primary human needs..
1. To be loved
2. To be seen and known.
That’s what I am at home by friends that I’ve had for awhile.. known. You can forget that it’s a need when you have to go without it, and then wonder how you ever survived when you find it again.
When I’m not known, I tone myself down, only show certain sides of me, and in a way, temporarily lose certain parts of me. When I am known, I remember who I am… I become more of me because there’s space for that. I know that I won’t be rejected or embarrassed because I’ve already been accepted.
So thank God for friends who remind you of who you are simply by interacting with you. It is a human need to be known, and nothing to be ashamed of.
I was reflecting on the “You’re every bit the woman you wish you were” thing. The Lord said “You are the best you when you quit trying to be things that you already are.” With that has got to come “You are the best you when you quit trying to live up to the expectations you assume other people have on you.”
When I’m known, I quit assuming that people expect me to be things that I’m not.
I feel like I heard good glad merry news having my friends here. “YOU are enough and YOU are accepted and you don’t have to be anything other than what you already are!”
YOU’VE been anointed, YOU’VE been called. You want to change the world? Be who you really are. Change will come effortlessly, things will happen naturally. The world is hungry for people who are true to themselves and aren’t trying to pretend to be anything else. The world is hungry for the knowledge that they are already enough, and have nothing to prove.
One last thing.. I truly believe that learning we’re accepted, REALLY accepted, will only increase our passion for Jesus. I believe that truly encountering the love of God will only make us love him and set us apart even more.
I don’t believe there is such a thing with being ‘too comfortable’ with God. You can think that you know love and acceptance and when you hear it say “Oh yeah man, I know that.” That’s where the apathy comes in..
Brennan Manning says “Imagine that Jesus is calling you today. He extends a second invitation to accept His Father’s love. And maybe you answer, “Oh, I know that. It’s old hat.”
And God answers, ‘No, that’s what you don’t know. You don’t know how much I love you. The moment you think you understand is the moment you do not understand. I am God, not man. You tell others about Me – your words are glib. My words are written in the blood of My only Son. The next time you preach about My love with such obnoxious familiarity, I may come and blow your whole prayer meeting apart.
Did you know that every time you tell Me you love Me, I say thank you?”
AND I’m not sure how to end this. Love y’all!